The end? Or just the beginning?

So it finally happened. Now that I’ve had time to process I can finally put words to screen. Or maybe I can’t. This might just be a long rant. I haven’t decided yet. Anyways it finally happened… the moment we’ve all been waiting for…and the award for biggest idiot goes to *drum roll* ME!!! After 2 long months with no contact, “the man” blocked me on Facebook. Now before you ask, I hadn’t texted him in almost a week. I am just at a loss. But I can’t say I necessarily want to know. Would it even be the truth? Was ANYTHING he said truthful??? How can you believe someone who can tell you they love you, after a year, then cut off all communication a week later for 2 months then slam the door in your face? Would it be more flaky reasons? “Work was too stressful and I knew it wouldn’t work” or “You were too pushy”. The reality is that I didn’t ask for much but effort. Not things or stuff or anything but a “Hey” once in awhile.

I was understanding. When he didn’t want to be public I was annoyed but understood. But once he moved it was better. He seemed to put more effort in, we went and did things in public, even had our first overnight. And I never asked for presents on my birthday or for Christmas. Allegedly there were presents always “on their way” and the usual garbage. But I was patient and understanding still. AND IT STILL WENT TO HELL ANYWAYS. I have been forced to move on kicking and screaming. Well, and crying. I know I’ll be ok. Deep down. But I also still love him so much. It’s definitely hard. But I’ll have to live with no closure.

In other news, just a couple weeksish til my trip and my Nexus interview. I’m so excited. I’m renting a car to get around so I’m excited and nervous. But I know I can do it. On the Monday my friend and I are venturing to find the restaurant I’ve been waiting for for forever! Tubby Dog!! I’m excited to get out of town for a weekend. Anyways day 1 of 5 so I better get to sleep now. Full moons give me weird dreams. But more on things next time! Night everyone!

The dilemma…

So in a month I’m making a trip to Calgary to do the interview for my Nexus card. When I’m there I’m going to rent a car to drive to my appointment and do some exploring. It’s like a $30 cab or Uber ride from Hojo’s (my friend who’s house I’m staying at) to and from the airport (where my appointment is) and it’s about $85 to rent a car for 3 days. Plus it gives me the freedom to do what I want. So the bf hasn’t been responding to my texts so I’m not sure if he’s ignoring me and can see them or if he has me on ignore. Part of the dilemma is, do I assume I’m single? I assumed that this meant I was, but one of the girls at work says I can’t assume that because he didn’t actually say it so that might not be what he’s thinking. Partially that makes sense but my girl brain can’t wrap around that idea. It doesn’t seem common sense to me. But is anything about relationships really common sense? Another part of the dilemma is, if he’s not talking to me, should I surprise him at work by dropping him off a coffee and lunch? I messaged him and told him I was coming down but as per usual, the text has come and gone with no response. I know it’s a trite comment but another week has come and gone and I still have no desire to move on. I would rather be alone and do my own thing than move on. Every day it still feels hopeless but I try and put on a happy face every day. Maybe one day things will all work out…

Time feels like torture

It’s been 2 months since “the break” and it feels like time is moving fast but super slow at the same time. Most times when you take time away you adjust. The pain goes away slowly. You feel more normal and like yourself. I still feel like half my heart was ripped away. But all I can do is wait. I always thought that saying about setting something free if you love it was a crock of hoo ha, but now I understand what it means.

It seems like I’m always waiting. Waiting for the snow to leave so I can drive to Calgary. Waiting for my trip to Texas.

The highlight of my summer is going to be a trip with great people. Aside from my awesome day job I have an MLM job and each year our convention is in a different city. Last year was Anaheim and this year is Austin so I have planning for that to distract me. It’ll be another fun but nerve wracking experience for me. I’m fairly adept at traveling alone and meeting people at the destination, and I definitely don’t mind the challenge as I have to make it from Calgary, through LAX, then into Austin. But I can’t wait. My passport has always been my prized possession ever since I bit the bullet and got it.

Well it’s late and time to sleep and dream of the bf. It seems that’s all I dream about lately. Sleep well out there once you get there!

Here I am…

Here I am… Semi-Single Girl…a pushing 40, semi-single (more about that later), mostly independent, childless woman-child. Just here looking to live my life day to day and plan some fun in between. I love my job and my co-workers and we all get along pretty good, so this won’t be a work drama blog. Rather, I want to make this a blog about dating, navigating, and participating in this crazy journey we call life!

So about the semi-single part…

Just over a year ago I met an awesome guy. The first day we met we talked for like 2 hours straight and we have a lot in common. That being said we’ve never had a conventional relationship but it’s worked well and I’m happy with it. We’ve tackled a lot of stuff together and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He’s pretty private so I’ll avoid spilling my guts about too many details. That being said we are spending time apart and truthfully it’s the hardest thing ever. I can’t even think about dating anyone else and so I’ve decided to be in a relationship with myself. Because if you can’t be happy on your own, then how can you be happy WITH someone? I guess you’ll all be along for the ride with me as things unfold…

Why spend time with me? Because I’m hilarious and awesome! And I’m real. I’m an atypical Canadian girl who’s overweight (but attempting to change but…well, food…), made poor relationship choices (before the one that made me semi-single), love exploring and adventures, moderately enjoy physical activity (even though the 50 jumping jacks I did yesterday have made me realize I am SO out of shape), and all around just love living life. With a side of cynicism and sarcasm. So without further ado, let’s get started and see where this thing goes!